Take the train

A very nice follow up to Christmas

It all started when Rene took the kitchen table that she had loaned us last year back. Dirty-D and I made her and her foreign cousin sit through the Horror Oh Horror Film fest (yet again) and then we loaded the table into Reneís U-Haul truck. It was at that moment that I fastened the Personal Alcohol Detector on to my keychain. But before that Dirty-D and I moved the Cheetah bar into the kitchen and celebrated with a round. After rocking out in the basement, we went into the city to meet Lisa and see a rock band called the Strokes. Before that, though, we filled up the Mud Flap Girl flask that I bought while I lived at Christopher Street. Dirty-D high-fived a lot of people when we got off of the Path Train. At the Mercury Lounge, we met up with Hissyfit Holly because I had to give her the audio files of a song I recorded of hers. All of the audio files fit on 2 cd-rs. Holly, Dirty and I sipped from the Mud Flap Girl while we waited for the Strokes to start playing. The Strokes were pretty good. They rocked out pretty much, but I canít seem to remember one of their tunes. I do remember the lead singer saying to ìturn that fucking spot light out!î But then again, they seemed to have someone doing their lights for them, so it was probably part of the show. At one point I sneaked the Mud Flap Girl to Dirty, and Lisa was like, ìYou donít have to sneak it around me!î I think she was a little pissed off. I said something like, ìOK, I wonít anymoreî and that was pretty much that. While walking out of the Mercury Lounge, we ran into Dirty Mary Jenn and Marguaxuaxoex. They wanted to go to the Library to drink some more. Me and Holly went with them because Mud Flap Girl was empty. The Dirty Mary Drummer was getting off work soon, so we all went to meet her at the bar that she worked at. Apparently, it was the kind of bar where you can pay a lady to whip you and yell at you. There was also a big he-she taking Polaroids and charging 5 a picture (plus tip). Before long, Hissyfit Holly was chained to the rack, blind-folded, and being whipped. Honestly, it looked like fun. A rum and coke later, I was shirtless, blind-folded and tied to the rack while Dirty Mary Drummer wailed on me with bits of leather. It actually didnít hurt as much as I thought it would, and even right now, the morning after, I donít feel any soreness. What I really wanted to happen was for Jenn, Holly and Marguaxuaxoex to take turns whipping the shit out of me, but there are certain rules at clubs like this that wonít allow that. Whatever. Now there is a Polaroid floating around of me and Miss Carrie, the Dirty Mary Drummer, floating around Manhattan.

How I ruined Christmas

This was a pretty strange Christmas. I ruined it at least three times. Everything started out OK. I showed up to my brotherís house on time with Jean and Chris and they both did a very good job at entertaining my parents, distracting them from probing into my life too deeply. Chris left to meet his friends downtown and the rest of us went out to a nice Chinese food place in Chestnut Hill. Jean ordered General Tsoís and I got a chicken and steak BB-Q. The food was good and things were still pretty peachy. I think I had only been asked if I was making any money twice. After dinner Jean and I split to meet up with Chris and Mike-D downtown. This is when things started to get a little hairy. I partied hard. Way too hard for a weekend that I am supposed to be spending with my family. I think the best part of the evening was when Mike-D was talking about having confidence while talking to women and Jean was like, ìOK, Mike, then go talk to that crazy blond girl.î (the crazy blond girl was a girl that Mike knew as a regular at this bar. So he goes and talks to her. I had thought that she was kind of cute, but figured that I wouldnít talk to her. Well, the next thing you know, she comes over and is talking to me and Jean. Her name is Sauna and sheís from Norway or something. She plays keyboards and sings in a rock band tentatively called Shimmer. Then Sauna goes, ìHey, guys, thanks for the drink.î Jean and I sort of shrug our shoulders and go, ìNo problem,î thinking that Mike had bought her a drink while he was talking to her. Then he comes over and says that her told Sauna that we wanted to buy her a drink. I had no idea. It was funny, but doesnít really seem so as Iím writing about it. Chris said that Sauna was gross because she had British teeth, but I thought that they suited her. Anyway, before Sauna left, I gave her my email scribbled on a dollar bill. She wonít write me, Iím pretty sure. The bar closed at 2 am, which was kind of strange, but we left the bar with a big take out order and went on to hang out with Chrisís friends from when he lived in Philly. Next comes one of those after school specials, but instead of doing the right thing I do the wrong thing. My bad. I wake up WAY too late. We get some Philly cheese steaks at Pats, then I get Jean and I lost about ten times. She doesnít see any really cool things in Philadelphia. We get back to Chestnut Hill around 4:30 pm on Christmas Eve and I have almost zero presents for my family. Thank god all of the cute little shops on the main drag are open and that they werenít dollar stores like in Jersey City. I score all of the right things and get back to the house just before 5. Iím pretty sure that Iím going to get my ass kicked for being so late, but everything seems cool. My mom was worried and all, but whatís new? I had to borrow clothes from my brother so that I could go to the fancy restaurant for dinner. The best part about that was feeding the ducks outside and throwing snowballs at my brother. And I guess the fillet Mignon was pretty good, too. That night, I was so out of it, I just watched a Battlestar Galactica marathon with Jean and my brother. In that show, they use the same shot of a space ship exploding twice in the opening credits...with one shot in between the two same shots. That was pretty funny. For Christmas I got a rice cooker and a shower compact disc player. Jean got one of those big video guides and a sausage and cheese assortment. Cindy cooked a very gourmet Christmas dinner and the dog kept trying to eat it. Right after dinner, my parents and grandma left because there was word of a storm coming. My mom kept saying that the Weather Channel was the MTV for old people. I didnít drink at all on Christmas day.

Last night we threw a Christmas get-together at the Souse House. I was just downstairs and there is a LOT of booze left over which was a nice surprise. Jean Leavitt gave the Souse House a dart board, which I think is extra cool, too. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits throughout most of the night. At one point, there was some Souse House improv, but it was the least amount of funny that it had ever been, so that part of the evening was a little beat. Dan kept sayign that he was the funniest, though, so I think sometime today we'll have to go to the video tape and see for ourselves...he was indeed the most stoned. The dinner part of the evening was GREAT. Leavitt out did herself with the turkey loaf. Chris gave Shane a naked boy liquor dispenser that pees liquor into your glass. I thought that was pretty cool and I kept saying "fill 'er up, Bottle Boy" to the statue.