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"You
just put your mouth on mine like this and blow."
I can hear him tell me again how many breaths and how many compressions.
He
showed me how it was done. But all I am thinking about, all I am
feeling is
the taste of his open mouth on mine. He was focused on his task
and I still
feel his warm breath as he blows into my mouth, showing me what
to do, just
in case.
What if I pass out from the pleasure, then what happens John, was
running
thru my head.
We are safe now so I can let myself remember the touch, the wetness
of his
mouth as he instructed me in the earth rescue technique. He was
worried
about dying and all I can do is feel. And with my eyes closed it
didn't
feel like a technique but something I might have been wanting for
a long
time now.
The truth is there in my mind and I let it come to the surface because
we
are safe now and we are not alone. And no-one knows what I am thinking
but
me.
We are safe now from the peril of death and the peril of life. Safe
because
Dargo came just in time. Just in time to save us. In more ways then
one.
And because we are safe and nothing happened, I can let myself remember.
I
can remember it all. Every moment of our time together.
I am a soldier, I always will be. But now I know there is something
more
inside me, wanting, no, craving to get out. And it is all because
of this
human. This human, that has to all intents and purpose, ruined my
life.
Because of him, well it is easier if I have someone to blame. Because
of
him, here I am, a fugitive and away from all I have ever known and
all that
is familiar.. But now I can ask myself a question that would never
have
been thought, let alone uttered.. "Is that really such a bad
thing. Was I
missing something that I now have. Is my life really ruined or has
it just
begun."
Now I have questions when before I just did what I was told to do.
The only
other time I remember thinking beyond the box was with Velorak.
No, no,
cant go there. He planted a seed and even though I did do something
for
myself then, the after affects made me pull the rope tight once
more.
Keeping it tight is the only way peacekeepers know how to live.
That is the
only way to get thru the day without excess baggage. No encumbrances.
The
only way I knew to live.
And then this human comes along and again things inside me start
to
unravel. John Crichton. Showing me things I never wanted to see.
Making me
feel. Making me.more. Words that haunt me still.
And now I have more 'feelings' to keep me awake at night. This human
and
feelings. They go hand in hand with every day of my life now.
And so I remember.
His mouth, I want to feel it on mine again. But a part of me knows
that by
letting myself remember what happened on the transport pod I am
asking for
trouble. For unrest. For indecision. For turmoil...Or just maybe.Maybe
for
joy. For peace. For things I never dreamt about or let myself even
admit to
being possible. For a moment I want more.
Remembering letting go and just taking each other's mouth and nearly
each
other's bodies. Remembering the rush, the excitement even amidst
the
thought of knowing it was our last actions before death claimed
us. Though
when John kissed me, death was not on my mind. I was full of want.
Of need.
I wanted, needed, his mouth on mine. I wanted flesh. Bare flesh.
Not just any flesh though.. I wanted his bare flesh on mine. I let
myself
remember and relish the thought of touching his bare flesh in the
heat of
passion. And though it was brought on by the thought of death it
truly was
magnificent passion unleashed.
I feel it start in the pit of my stomach as I let myself remember.
Feel it
unfurl in lower places. I shift on my seat uncomfortably.
We didn't get bare flesh because Dargo came in and 'rescued' us.
And I know
that there wouldn't have been too much bare flesh right then. We
were only
intent on uncovering the necessary parts to sate our passion.
But was it real. That question too comes to my mind. Was it real
or just
the heat of the moment. And part of me doesn't care. It was good.
It was
liberating. It made me feel. And in that moment and when I thought
I was
going to be too late to save John Crichton I knew I wanted to feel
. I knew
deep inside me I didn't want to lose this feeling.
When I made the decision to stop working on the pod and bring John
back to
me, I knew it was the right choice. I didn't have time to think.
I went
with my feelings right at that moment. Yes I was going to die, but
I didn't
want to die alone. I wanted to feel some connection to another person.
And my feelings, my instinct, told me I had to save John Crichton.
I needed
John Crichton with me, alive. If these were my last moments alive
then I
wanted to spend them with John. My heart, yes, that organ that I
only ever
thought of in terms of pumping blood thru my veins, wanted, no,
needed this
human alive. At all cost.
This is what he has brought me to. The soldier in me rebels at the
thought
of needing this human. This weak, inferior, hard to understand human.
The
soldier in me needs to tell myself that he is weak, he is inferior.
That I
don't want to understand him. That I don't need anything from him.
That I
cant ever let myself need him for anything. I am a soldier, I was
born to
be a soldier. If I let myself give into that need again then all
will be
lost. I will be lost.
Or will I, for the first time, truly know myself. Will I gain it
all. Will
I be more. I hear that little voice faintly as I push it away..A
voice I
have to repress. A voice I will repress. I will. I will. And deep
inside I
hear it laugh at my self delusion. But I need this self delusion.
I am a
soldier and I will prevail. I will.
But as we speed back to Moya, with this human sitting close enough
for me
to reach out and touch, I remember.
And when I put on my peacekeeper armor, the peacekeeper face, I
remember.
And when we leave the transport pod and go our separate ways, I
remember.
And when I am standing with him next to me at the controls of Moya,
I
remember.
And when we tell each other that it could have, would have, happened
with
any other person, in those same circumstances, I remember.
I remember his mouth on mine.
I remember wanting, needing, to feel his bare flesh under my hands.
Under
me. Inside me.
I remember that I didn't want him to die.
I remember that I didn't want to die alone..
I remember that I wanted more. I wanted him. I wanted something
I don't
know the name for.
I remember telling myself that if I was going to die, I needed to
feel
connected to someone, anyone. A lie.
I remember the truth. And it lives deep inside me.
Because I remember that the truth is that I didn't just want anyone.
I
needed John Crichton and no other.
Because in the dark of the night I remember just what I felt when
I thought
I would never see, never hear, never touch, this man again.
I remember thinking that he touches something inside me that has
never felt
alive before.
I remember that my heart truly beat for the first time when I heard
his
breath of revival.
And I liked it.
I remember it all but I push it deep inside where it has to stay.
Stay
locked away so that I can be the soldier I am supposed to be.
But who knows when another life or death situation will release
it all.
Release my heart. My heart that is no longer alone. My heart that
belongs
to him, even now.
I remember but I must forget. I will forget. I will.
Contact
Sara-Le
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