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Disclaimer:
All Characters relating to Farscape are not mine, the story
and ideas within are.
Summary:
Aeryn isn't handling the death of Talyn John very well.
It's Aeryn's POV. If blood makes you squeamish, don't read
on. It's not for the faint hearted.
Setting:
Is set after Infinite Possibilities: Part 2: Icarus Abides
Authors
Notes: This is my first time at writing a fan fic, so I
hope you enjoy it. And Feed Back is always appreciated.
Also I am sorry if I offend or upset anyone with this story.
Rating:
15
Loneliness
©2002
ABANDON.a.k.a. Paula McCrossan
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Aeryn
is sat on the floor in her quarters onboard Talyn. Those
are the quarters she use to share with John. It's now been
a weeken and her contact between the crew on Moya and Talyn
has been none. She has got a bottle of raslak in her hands.
Its
cold again, but this time its dark, still, like I'm alone....
I am alone, totally alone. Although I'm surrounded by people
who care for me, and I care for them, but now I just don't
seem to care anymore, not since.... since you left me. Why
did you have to frelling leave me, to be the hero. I use
to find the darkness comforting; to be alone was my protection,
protecting myself from emotions. But now, I feel like, there's
a deep void in my chest where my heart use to be. It's no
longer there, you took it with you when you left. When you
left for good, and left me behind. You took my world, my
soul, my every being. But now that's all gone, when you
selfishly left me behind, all you needed to do was to ask
me to come with you, and I would of, you were my world.
Have you gone to your afterlife that you believed in, when
loved ones meet up with those that have passed on before
them. It feels strange to think that I'll see your face
again.... you showed me emotions, which I never knew existed
in this life, and in myself. I was so naive to think that
I would not feel anything towards you, as I was born and
bred to oppress my emotions to be a trained as a killing
machine, I am a Peacekeeper...I was a Peacekeeper. And who's
fault is that, yours, I can't believe I ever fell for your
human charms. You took everything away from me, which I
had ever known. I hated you for it. But.... if I hadn't
met you, I would have never felt this way. Of knowing what
its like to truly love someone, I now know what that feels
like, I also know what it feels like to loose someone. I
feel sick knowing that I will never smell that distinct
non-Sebacean scent of yours. God, thinking about it tears
my stomach apart with the pain. I can't do this anymore;
I can't carry on living.
The
others, they don't understand, they told me to live, to
carry on as that's what you would of wanted. How the hezmana
do they know, hey, how the frell do they know. I just can't
hold on to anything anymore, everyone that I have loved
or has loved me is dead, first there was Velorek, who I
sent to his death, and I'm responsible for killing him.
I loved him back then, however I didn't understand what
it was. He told me "I Could be more", you said
the same thing to me when we first met. Do you remember?
It's all my fault; everything is all my fault. It's my fault
Zhaan's dead. She gave her life for me, and for what, a
piece of dren, as that's all I'm worth. And now you...lost
from me forever.
She
takes a swig of the raslak from the cold steal metal bottle.
Which feels like ice in her hands.
I
hate myself, everything I touch I destroy, I'm a monster,
a monster which needs to be destroyed to protect the well
being of the others. I know what they think of me; they
blame me too for Zhaan's and John's death. As I too blame
myself. A friend wouldn't do that to another friend and
especially to her lover. To kill them, to take their life
tragically away from them. Its my fault John's dead, as
if I had never acted like the Peacekeeper bitch that I am
I would of never got stabbed by Larraq, which meant John
wouldn't have to play the hero, by trying to save my life
by going on to that frelling Gammak Base. Which meant we
would have never met Scorpius, and he would of never discovered
that frelling wormhole technology in his head.
She
takes another swig of the raslak, which tastes tangy and
bitter against her dry mouth. As she's about to take another,
she notices something gleaming out of the corner of her
eye. She moves over to pick it up, as she draws closer she
recognizes what it is...its John's knife. She picks it up
and then sits back down where she was. Contemplating her
next move.
Someone
like me doesn't deserve happiness.............................................deserve
to die!
With
one slow slash she places the knifes cold smooth blade over
her bare flesh on her wrists. At first nothing happens,
until theirs a river of blood oozing from the 1/2-inch incision
which was made there a few seconds ago. She makes another
incision but this time to her other wrist. As she sees the
blood falling to the ground to join the pool of blood which
has already formed on the floor around her feet. She starts
to feel a sense of release, as if releasing her inner most
demons to the vast voids of the Uncharted Territories. A
sense of drossiness envelops her, as she falls onto the
cold and unwelcoming floor.
Their
have been many times when I have felt the icy breath of
death upon me, but this time it feels different, it feels
comforting, that I know I wont be judged for the things
I have done in the past. That I will be welcomed...you always
welcomed me, even after you learnt about what I had done
in the past when I was a Peacekeeper. You made me feel that
I belonged that I belonged there with you.
It
wont be long now...all of my Peacekeeper training could
not prepare me for what I feel now, happiness. As the pain
is slowly dying inside of me.
The
room is starting to grow blacker and blacker. As she is
slipping away from this cruel world which she wishes not
to live in anymore. The world, which tried to turn her,
heart into stone, the world were power and greed rule over
the weak. The world in which shows too many memories and
heartache.
I
can see you smiling at me...I'm nearly there. The old life
is nearly gone, it wont be long now until I start this new
life their with you. I've missed you so much...the pain
is nearly gone. I don't feel alone anymore...I feel like
I belong. Here with you. The pain is finally gone...we're
together again. I will never let you go again. Never.
I'm
finally at peace..
The
End
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So
what did you think? Please
R&R as I'll be interested in what you think. I know
its a bit depressing and I am sorry if it has offended anyone.
Please don't hold that against me :-(. Thanxs for your time.
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