If You Want Me To

By: Aeryncrichton82

E-mail: aeryncrichton82@hotmail.com

Rating: NC-17 for Adult Content

Category: Romance/Drama

Disclaimer: The Jim Henson Company, Hallmark Entertainment, Nine Network Australia and the Sci-Fi Channel own Farscape. They own all rights to characters mentioned within this story. I just used them because the show is frelling awesome and plus I have a wild imagination!

Summary: Taking place a few days after Fractures when Aeryn, Crais, Rygel, and Talyn return to Moya. Aeryn is dealing with seeing (Moya) John for the first time since (Talyn) John died. She is still grieving for his loss. Aeryn has a complete emotional breakdown (forget all the PK training) and expresses her "human" like emotions that (Talyn) John evoked with in her. This is how (Moya) John and Aeryn deal with their pain and feelings towards each other.

Thanks: I would like to give thanks to Dallascaper and Rory Kearn for making the best shipper music videos that inspired me to write this fan fic. And also a very special thanks to all of my beta readers who helped me out and also who have me great suggestions!

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The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here

Just because you love me the way that you do
I'm going to walk through the valley
If you want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you are
Not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way that I would've chosen
Then you lead me through a world that is not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said that I would never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answered my cries for help
I will remember the suffering you love put you through
And I will go thru the valley
If you want me to

-Ginny Owens

Aeryn Sun looked out at the canopy of twinkling stars that were above on the terrace. She wrapped her arms around her drawn up knees, her raven hair cascading over her arms. She had come to the terrace to escape Crichton. I thought I was going to be ready to face him, but I cannot bear the sight of him. He is the other John. But MY John is gone. Aeryn reached out to grab a bottle of fellip nectar that was beside her. She put the bottle to her lips and took a long drink from it letting the cool liquid slide down her throat. Aeryn put the bottle down next to her and looked out at the stars above her.

********

John Crichton had searched high and low for Aeryn aboard Moya. He was very anxious to speak with her. John reached over to his chest and activated his com link.

"Pilot?" he asked as he leaned against a bulkhead on Tier Seven.

"Yes, Commander Crichton." Pilot responded through the semi-static of the com.

"Have you located Aeryn?" John said with hope in his voice.

"She is on the terrace, Commander Crichton. She asked me not to let anyone know her location because she wanted solitude." Pilot said.

"Thanks Pilot." John said as he switched off his com link. He pushed his body away from the bulkhead, headed towards the terrace door, and ran into Crais.

Crais was coming around the corner and knocked into him.

"Crichton, what are you doing?" he demanded, knowing the look of Crichton's face; the look of determination.

"I'm going to talk to Aeryn." John said.

"That would not be recommended at this point. Officer Sun wished to be left alone." Crais said raising a black eye brow. He grabbed Crichton's arm as he tried to go past him.

"Crais, leave it alone. This is between Aeryn and me." John said as he snatched his arm out of Crais' grasp. He walked towards the terrace door. Crais shook his head and headed up to command.

John paused at the door, leaned his head up against it, and closed his eyes. Aeryn, I can't stand to see you in so much pain. I am here for you, in flesh and blood. John reached up to his com link.

"Pilot?" he called out as he put his hand on the door, feeling Aeryn's presence with in.

"Yes, Commander." Pilot responded.

"Make sure that you lock the door after I enter. I do not want anyone coming in or leaving without me saying so." John said.

"Commander, I cannot do that." Pilot said with hesitation in his voice.

"Pilot, please do this for me. Do this for Aeryn" John pleaded.

"As you wish, Commander." Pilot said. John turned off his com link. He waved his hand in front of the door and it opened.

********

Aeryn began to shiver as memories of John's death began to appear in her mind's eye. She began to weep. John, how I miss you so much. I love you with all of my heart and I cannot bear to even think about the other John living on Moya. I can still feel your arms wrapped around me. I always felt safe and loved when I was in your embrace. Why did you have to die? Aeryn began to weep harder. Frell you, John! She grabbed the fellip nectar bottle and threw it against the door in frustration. The bottle fragments crashing on the floor as Aeryn collapsed on the floor crying her heart.

********

John stepped onto the terrace expecting Aeryn to have something to throw at him for invading her solitude time. He peered inside the terrace and saw Aeryn curled in a fetal position on the floor, crying. John quickly ran over to where she was and gathered her into his strong arms.

"Aeryn, its okay. I'm here for you." John said calmly as he smoothed her hair back from her pale face. Aeryn looked up at him with her tear streaked blue eyes, shook her head, and pulled out of his embrace.

"NO, YOU'RE DEAD! You are not supposed to be here." Aeryn shouted as she stumbled away from John. She landed on a cushion that he had brought here a long time ago. This was the place he found privacy to think peacefully. John went over to her.

"Aeryn, I'm John. I am not the John that died in your arms. I am the John that loves you and always will." he said as he eased himself down on the cushion next to her. Aeryn looked at him with a blank expression on her face.

"Baby, please let me help you through this pain." John said pleadingly as he stroked back a piece of her raven hair from her face. Aeryn began to cry harder again. She let out a scream of frustration and sadness.  John gathered her in his embrace and held her while she cried. Soon her tears subsided, and she leaned her head against John's chest. She closed her eyes and remembered back to a time when she felt joyous in the arms of the man that she loved.

John watched Aeryn's face as she closed her eyes. He hated seeing her in this much pain. "Aeryn, open your eyes for me." he said. Aeryn did not open her eyes. "Baby, please open your eyes." John said soothingly. Aeryn brought her head up from his chest and opened her eyes. John cupped her head in his hands.

"What can I do for you?" he asked looking into her crystal blue eyes. Aeryn looked back at him with her own piercing gaze.

"Kiss me, Crichton." she replied. John looked at her and knew this is what she needed at this microt. John brought his lips to hers and kissed her sweetly. Aeryn responded with passion, opening her lips slightly so she could taste him and he taste her. John entwined his fingers in her long raven hair, deepening the kiss, and tasting her soul. Aeryn began to caress his chest with her hands. John pulled back from the kiss and looked at Aeryn.

"I am sorry to cause you this pain, Aeryn." he said with remorse. Aeryn smiled slightly.

"Then make it better. Love me, Crichton." she said. John shook his head slightly.

"No, that is not the way to fix this, Aeryn." John replied as he let go of her. Aeryn got up from the cushion and walked over to the bottles of fellip nectar that she had brought with her to the terrace. She picked up a bottle and walked back to John.

"Then go away and leave me in peace, Crichton." Aeryn said as she snapped open the bottle's lid and took a long drink from the bottle. She sat back down on the cushion next to John. John looked at her with a piercing gaze. He grabbed the bottle of fellip nectar from her grasp and took a long drink from it. I must be crazy for even considering this. John turned towards Aeryn and looked into the blue eyes that he loved so much.

"I love you, Aeryn Sun." he said as he embraced her again. Aeryn went into his arms knowing a feeling of comfort. Aeryn brought her face up to John's. He  kissed her sweetly and pulled back slightly.

"I will love you if you want me to." he said looking into her eyes. Aeryn looked back at him.

"I want you to." she said as she kissed him again, tasting his soul. John ran his hands slowly up and down her back, caressing little circles near her shoulders. Aeryn began to caress his chest, her fingers finding the fastenings to his leather vest. Slowly one by one, she undid them. John released Aeryn and shoved off his vest. Aeryn lay back on the cushion; John joined her by lying down next to her. Aeryn caressed his bare chest, feeling the bare skin and the muscles of his chest, remembering the feel of him beneath her fingertips John shivered as he felt the sensations go through his body. He began to kiss her again while caressing her body. John began to kiss her neck and worked his way down to her chest. He smelled her scent, imprinting it in his mind because he knew this would be the last time that he would love her like this.

Aeryn responded back to his kisses. I cannot bring John back, but tonight I can at least pretend that he is not gone. Just for a little while I can forget all the pain. John began to tug at her black shirt. He pulled it up over her head. John began to kiss her chest and captured a nipple in his mouth. Aeryn shivered at the sensations. She buried her fingers in his hair, urging him on. John caressed each breast with his tongue and hands. Aeryn caressed his back and made him shiver with pleasure.

"Aeryn...." John whispered in her ear. Aeryn moaned in pleasure as he took a ripe nipple into his mouth and sucked it. John felt himself wanting more of her, to sink into her softness. Aeryn pulled at his leather pants. She reached for the buckle and found his source of arousal. Aeryn reached inside his pants and caressed his manhood. She ran her hand lightly over his length. It grew harder beneath the caress of her hand. John moaned with pleasure. Aeryn rolled them over on the cushion. She placed butterfly kisses along his chest and worked her way down to his waist. John looked at her through half opened eyes, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman whom he loved so much.  He wrapped his hands in her hair, feeling the silky texture of it. Aeryn unfastened his pants and pulled them down over his hips along with his Calvin's. Aeryn kissed her way back up to his arousal. She took him into her mouth, caressing his length with her warm tongue. John jerked up off the cushion as he felt her mouth on him. He relaxed back against the cushion again, closing his eyes and letting the pleasure take over his senses. He stroked Aeryn's long hair as she caressed the length of him

Aeryn kissed her way back up to his mouth and kissed him passionately. John rolled her over and began to kiss her breasts. He took a nipple into his mouth and began to suck until it was taut under his tongue. His hand gently played with her other breast, slightly squeezing. Aeryn sighed with pleasure. John nuzzled his way down to the black shorts that she was wearing. He pulled them off along with her black underwear. John caressed his way back up to her side and caressed her inner thighs. Aeryn spread her legs apart. John gently touched her core and found it swollen with need. He began to stroke her. John could feel the warmth and wetness coming from inside of her. It drove him mad. He needed to be one with her; one body, one mind, and one soul. John maneuvered between her thighs.

"I'm sorry baby, but I need you so much." he said as he slipped inside her warm body. Aeryn moaned in pleasure as he began to slide in and out of her. John captured her lips in a deep kiss. She thrusted her tongue inside his mouth. He acquiesced to this dance. Aeryn wrapped her legs around his waist bring him deeper into her. John reached between their bodies and caressed her breasts. Aeryn began to moan with pleasure when John captured her lips for another kiss. He could not get enough of her. The feeling of being inside of her is intoxicating. The smell of her as she responds to my passion.

Aeryn got the upper hand and rolled over so she was on top. John looked up at her. She smiled down at him as she began moving her hips at her own pace. The pressure was building inside of John. He reached up and brought her down to kiss him. Aeryn responded with all out passion. She knew her release was coming because she was on the brink of ecstasy. Aeryn kept her hips going at a slow pace, drawing out each sensation inside of John.

"My God!" John moaned as his release started to burn in his belly. John rolled them back over so he was on top. He thrusted faster and deeper inside of Aeryn. John felt her to begin to quiver with her release. This building up his release fast.

"Come with me, baby," he moaned into her mouth. Aeryn felt pleasure sweep through her body as her release hit. "John!" she moaned.

"Aeryn!" John moaned, spilling himself deep inside of Aeryn. He collapsed onto her, burying his face into the crook of her neck, his breathe warm against it. Aeryn wrapped her arms tightly around his sweaty body and began to cry. John looked down into her eyes and brushed her tears away.

"Aeryn, why are you crying?" John asked. Aeryn looked up at him with sadness in her blue eyes.

"I love you, John." she said in a whisper.

"I love you, Aeryn." he said back. Aeryn closed her eyes, trying to fight back the pain that she had felt so many times. John rolled off of her and embraced her in his arms. Aeryn began to cry again. John stroked her hair as she cried. This is it. This is the last time I am going to hold her like this, feel her body against mine.

John felt her body relax against his, her breathing even. He knew she had fallen asleep. John looked down at the woman who held his heart for many cycles and whispered, "I love you, Aeryn Sun." Aeryn tightened her arms around him while she slept on contently. John continued to look at her until he drifted off to sleep.

********

Five arns later...

John slowly opened his eyes to blackness and a sweet smell. His memory came rushing back to him and he tightened his arms around Aeryn. John lifted his hand and brushed her hair back from her neck and placed kisses there. Aeryn sighed in her sleep, but did not stir. John propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at Aeryn. He notices the dark circles under her eyes and how pale her skin was. He softly ran his hand against her cheek and leaned down to kiss her. John got up, retrieved his clothes, and dressed quickly He moved to the terrace's huge bay window back. A billion stars cast a dim light into the room.

John turned to watch her sleep. The sound of her soft breathing was lyrical to him. He loved to watch her sleep. I will never forget this magical time we spent together. Aeryn, you are my one true love, until the day that I die. I will not push you into anything that you do not want. I can never share in the experiences you had with the other John. I know he will always be a part of you. I hurt knowing the pain you've been through. But baby, I have been in that pain, too. Watching you from so far away and wanting you so much.

John walked over to Aeryn and gave her one last kiss before he turned to leave the terrace. He activated his com link.

"Pilot?" he called softly.

"Yes, Commander," Pilot replied with hesitation in his voice.

"Unlock the terrace door," John said.

"Opening door now," Pilot said. The door opened before John.

"Pilot, please make sure the Aeryn has some privacy. She does not need to be disturbed by anyone else, " he said turning to look longingly at the sleeping form on the cushion and sighed. He walked out the door and closed it behind him. John made is way down to the galley, in need of some rasiac.

D'Argo was sitting at the table when John entered.

"You look like dren," D'Argo said as John sat down at the table across from him.

"Thanks for the comment, Big Guy, but it is not helping at the moment," John said as he rubbed his hands over his face. D'Argo handed him the metal container that held the rasiac. John poured some in a cup and drank it down in one swallow.

"What is troubling you, my friend?" D'Argo asked as he poured himself and Crichton another round of rasiac. John looked at his long time friend and sighed.

"D'Argo, I just don't know what to do anymore. I just made love to Aeryn on the terrace," John said, shaking his head to put the images out of his mind.

D'Argo had a surprised look on his face. "She let you make love to her? "

"She wanted me to make love to her. I am totally confused by it," John said as he took a drink of the rasiac. D'Argo looked at his friend.

"You are going to have to give Aeryn time and space. She has to come to you on her terms and her time." He said.

"I already know that. I just want her so much. I love her and I just cannot stand by and let her go through this alone," John said as a tear slipped from his eye. D'Argo got up from his seat, walked to John, and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"It is not going to be easy, my friend. You and Aeryn will get through this somehow," D'Argo said as he left the galley. John turned his attention to the opening in the galley and looked at the stars that were shining brightly.

********

Aeryn woke slowly from her dream, feeling the warmth and contentment of being in the embrace of her lover. Her eyes fluttered open.

"John?" Aeryn called softly as she looked around the terrace for him. She knew he had been there, keeping her safe and warm. She looked around the terrace as tears came to her eyes. What have I done? John, I am so sorry. I did not mean to betray you. I just needed you, to feel you one last time. Aeryn began to cry even harder.

"John!" she screamed out in pain and sadness

End of Part 1

Part 2 >>

E-mail: aeryncrichton82@hotmail.com

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