By: Pancake

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all because I'm not that special.!!

Feedback: why not? I love the stuff. It keeps me writing because it's the best thing for writers!!

Spoilers: Absolutely none for the season 3 ending and beyond. Maybe a little for DMD, and SoD, but I'm guessing that's it.

Summary: Aeryn's kid thinks about her mother.

Rating: PG Author Notes: This story would be through Aeryn's child's point of view. It's just something that came to my mind one night and here it is.

Now on with the show.

I miss her. My mother. I do not know why though. She died before I was even two cycles old. They tell me I look like her. Then again, they tell me I look like HIM. HE is just another empty face in my memory, but I do not really miss him... at least not today.

They tell me she was strong, fearless, and righteous. They tell me she was like the phoenix, rising from the ashes. She made a life for herself when everything was taken from her... three times. At least that is what they tell me.

I mean, I would not know. Pilot and Moya have always let me watch some of the vids they find of her, or just the ones they decide I can watch. They tell me that after the accident most of them had been destroyed in hopes of me never finding something I might misinterpret. That right there is a whole bunch of dren and I know it. They are not protecting me, but rather themselves.

I do not blame them though. I can see it in Pilot's eyes when he says her name or talks about something she had done. I think he loved her. My mother. I think Pilot loved my mother, therefore Moya loved her. They seemed to have some sort of connection that I could only dream of. Pilot, strange as it might seem, is more of my father figure then anyone else on this boat. I think it is because Moya is so much more my mother as anyone else. Pilot and Moya seem to have such a more 'married' feel to them. I think they do serve me well and I can only hope I serve them just as well.

Anyway, my mother. They tell me she broke off from the peacekeepers. They do not tell me why. They just tell me never to go to those monsters. They say that my mother would never want me to go there. Never be one of them. A Peacekeeper.

Therefore, that is when her world was destroyed the first time. She left a life she had known for cycles. She deserted the organized and definite world for one that was every changing and brand new to her. She went from hating different races and 'inferior races to living and depending on them. She strived from that life and into another to blossom and grow. I know this. I actually saw some of the earlier vids. I saw her constant disdain and hatred toward the others, especially that one sebacean male. I do not' understand that one though. She seemed so angry towards him and so vengeful in the beginning. She even seemed more ... tolerant, toward the Luxan warrior. Then something happened. She changed. She was more accepting towards the sebacean male. I do not know what happened... they tell me he saved the ship. They tell me she, my mother, almost died. Then again, they tell me a lot of things.

Like the second time my mother had to start over. She actually died this time. The story behind it was crazy though. They told me that she and that sebacean male had become lovers without the sex. I did not get it at first, but then I went back and watched them. It looked like they were trying so hard not to show the feelings that everyone knew they had for each other, with of the exception of course of themselves. I think this is why I miss my mother more then HIM. I watched her as she learned things. I saw her as the dark beautiful strong person they all said she was through the vids.

Either way, they were "lovers" and then he killed her. I heard the recordings of that day. The sebacean, no what did they call him. A human, he was human and he had gone insane. He had been 'taken over' by something in his head. My mother tried to save everyone from whatever he was doing. She had gone out in her fighter to bring him down and instead he brought her down, permanently. He killed her.

Pilot says that was one of the saddest days of his life. He claims that it seemed that the world stopped that day. I think that prior to her death, he believed her invincible. I mean, before that she always pulled through even if the odds were impossible, she made it. That day ruined that thought for him and for Moya, I guess. Her dying became a possibility for the first time.

Then, through a miracle, she made it through. Zhaan gave up her life for my mother. She went into unity with her and gave my mother the spiritual energy she needed to live.

Therefore, my mother's second resurrection was because the foreign human had killed her and as a result of her death, he did not want to live anymore. Then comes Zhaan, she brought both of them back at the cost of her own life. Think about it, is not it a lovely way to die and leave everyone behind in turmoil.

I do not want to know what it was like for my mother. I know Pilot kept watch over her during the sleep cycle. I saw the few vids that he kept of her. I could hear her crying, but never saw it. I could almost feel the torturous emotions and thoughts that coursed through her during these moments alone. I never saw her mourn in front of anyone though. I do not think anyone ever saw her cry, saw her be vulnerable. That's just another thing about my mother. She was strong as a rock. Unmovable and Steely, maybe even she seemed cold at times, but I knew better. I heard her when no one else did.

Then something happened. There were two humans. Then one again, but the crew was cut in half. That crazy Bannik left along with Rygel and my mother. They were gone for nearly a quarter of a cycle. When she came back though, Moya had changed and my mother seemed to have died again. I do not know what happened, no one really wants to talk about it. All I know is that the other human had died leaving that one that remained on Moya with a mission that killed almost everyone.

The Nebari had been killed in the fight, as well as the Luxan. Rygel told me their names once, I just never wanted to remember them. Jool stayed with Moya, waiting for the injured that everyone knew was going to come. Rygel, just didn't go. I can't believe he wouldn't go, for such a small creature, he's one of the most self-giving people in my life, I guess he must of really changed.

Either way, when they returned, it was only my mother and HIM. It is ironic I think. My mother was so close to the human, and then when she came back and the other him died she distanced herself from him as if she already knew he would die and did not want to get involved. He had tried so hard to gain her attention again. Then during those last weeks, before they left to attack a command carrier, he got all the attention he wanted. Then the deficient human had to go get himself killed, leaving her with someone that he obviously did not like. What fun!

Either way, I guess in a way this is how my mother once again came from nothing. Everything changed for her. The only people on Moya, besides Pilot, were Rygel, Jool, my mother, and HIM. She had to make her life up again. I do not think it ever was the same again. My mother was broken and it seems that HE helped her heal. HE was just there to understand. It seems that HIS understanding was enough.

Then I was conceived, it seemed that it was a happy time. HE was more a person then a machine. My mother had gotten over the worst of her depression. Rygel was more as he is now. Jool was the protective and intelligent person I know now. I like watching those times. They are filled with the people I know, the people I love, before I was ever born. It was more comforting to watch these times rather then anything else.

I saw my own birth. That is actually who I learned about birthing. Watching myself be born. Let me tell you I will never do that. My mother was there for me. I know that because I saw it. I saw the love for me when I was put in her arms. I cannot not love the mother I never knew when I see those parts of my life that I do not remember.

What happened to my mother? The one that looked like she would die for me without a second thought? She died because some frelling merchant had a grudge against sebaceans. He could not let go of something that happened years before. The frelnick shot both my parents and I was not even there. My mother kept me on Moya for protection. Jool was watching me. I never got to see my mother. They did not save the funeral for me to watch. I do not think they could deal with it around. It would have been just a sad reminder for them. A reminder that no one wanted.

Either way there is my mother. The woman that gave birth to me. She should have been here with me. I should not be missing her as much as I do. She should be here every night. She should have been around when I needed that mother to tuck me in at night and make me feel safe and secure, like the world I live in is not falling apart before everyone's eyes. However, my mother was never there to say goodnight. I cannot tell her all my troubles, I cannot scream at her when I just need someone to scream at. She has missed so much, but I cannot help missing her and feeling sorry for her for losing so much with me. She never gets to hear my goodnight. She cannot be around when I say good-morning. When I think about it, it just makes me miss her even more. Nevertheless, I guess I idolize her either way. She was a beautiful warrior that withstood much and lived through three lifetimes. She was destroyed and near death more times then I have ever seen someone die. I just hope that I make her proud wherever she is. I just wish I could hear a goodnight that I know is there.

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