After "The
Choice" on their way back to Moya from Valldon
Aeryn Sun sat
sprawled on her bed aboard Talyn, looking out at the stars. She
felt the lack of warmth beside her and hugged herself. She turned
her head and closed her eyes as if the stars outside were her loss
and pain and she could escape them by turning away. Slowly a tear
rolled down her hollowed cheek from beneath her closed eyelids;
soon she was weeping silently. 'How can I possibly go on?' she sobbed.
'John!' she cried and collapsed on her bed wracked with sobs of
grief. She lay there weeping 'til she fell into an uneasy sleep.
Aeryn opened
her eyes. It was mid-day and she should have gotten up arns ago
and checked in with Crais on Talyn's condition, but she lay in bed
looking at the ceiling. 'I can't get up John' she said as if he
were standing in the room. 'I can't think, I can't function. My
training has completely abandoned me,' she said, still staring at
the ceiling, 'or maybe I abandoned it.........When we first met
you said I could be more than my training. Well I was more, for
a few monens at most and now I am so much less. I can not breathe,
but I think of you. You've ruined my life John, you showed me perfection
then you let it slip away. How could you be so cruel to me? How
could you die?! Where are you John!' This last was shouted in anguish
as she rolled over tangling herself in the blanket, trying to forget
or dull the pain. She picked up Winona running her hand along the
barrel of the pistol, 'John,' she whispered 'where are you? How
do I face Crichton? He'll want Winona and your things, how can I
give them up? You are mine...you were mine. How can
I look at your face again and know it's not you?'
'It is me though.'
Aeryn looked
up at Commander John Crichton, standing in her room. Eyes red from
her weeping she turned away, 'not another one' she whispered to
herself. If Zhaan were alive I'd make her give me a sedative.
God she couldn't take another hallucination. 'You're not real,
you're a hallucination of my deteriorating mind.'
'You're right
Aeryn, I am a hallucination,' he said walking forward to sit on
the bed, 'I'm your subconscious.'
'Can I touch
you?' she whispered desperately.
'You tell me.'
Aeryn reached
out to touch his hand and passed right through it to the bed. She
collapsed again crying.
'Aeryn, I am
a drug-induced vision intended to help you listen to yourself. Crichton
is me, we are one and the came, though we have different
memories after the twinning, we have the same DNA, the same parents,
the same memories of when I first met you. He is me, you
need to see him as such, he is our chance at a second chance. Take
him Aeryn, he loves you just as much as I do, it is the same love
that I have for you, and I do Aeryn, I love you more than life itself,
which is evident. My life was a small price to pay for yours. You
are special Aeryn, you are more unique and more valuable to me than
anyone else in the universe.'
'My subconscious
would never talk to me like that, or say those things, or use those
words. What are you? Some backlash of my grief...have the Ancients
come to play with me now?'
The vision
paused.
'I'm not here
to hurt you Aeryn.' He paused, 'I'm real, well in a way, I couldn't
go when they called me, I don't know when or if I'll ever be called
again, but I couldn't leave you.' He paused again; 'You know when
we were caught in the flax?' Aeryn nodded. 'We talked about what
happens after you die, well it's not like anything we ever thought...never
mind, that's not really important, just think of me as not-yet-an-angel.
I love you so much; I wanted you to believe what I was saying before
because it's all true, but I am real. This isn't Ripley's Believe
It Or Not, I'm real, I'm here, and I'll be here until I know
you've moved on and you're happy.'
Aeryn's face
was streaked with tears; she was in despair, grieving deeply for
her loss, and didn't know what to think. 'I'm supposed to believe
you're some sort of spirit?'
'If you want
to think of it that way.'
'I don't want
to think about it, I know you're not real, even if you're saying
things I would never think, you're not real.'
'Aeryn I'm
always here, call for me when you're ready, I will be waiting.'
She looked
up, straight in his glowing face, 'No John, I will not call
for you. I couldn't bear to see you and never touch you. I miss
you, I miss you so much. You are the only one I ever loved.'
He nodded,
then slowly the vision faded away into a shadow, the shadow drew
back and Aeryn was left alone again. She fell back on the bed, then
sat up suddenly. 'What's Ripe Leaves believe it or not? No hallucination
of mine would ever say that.' She shook her head, clenched her teeth,
then Aeryn Sun got up out of bed and walked out of the room. When
she got to Command, Crais turned, 'You're up. We didn't want to
wake you.'
'How long 'til
we reach Moya?'
'Ready to return?
Crichton will be there.'
'Yes. Exactly.
How long?'
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